Lonely...

I'm sorry you can skip this post. I just need to let my feelings out since I am awful in the vocal sense of this action.

I'm lonely.

There I said it.

Problem is I don't know what to do about it. Or if it will get any better or worse.

Once again M has had to go somewhere for the evening and once again I am by myself. He is just so busy lately and all with good reason. As a teacher of course he is busy, and being non-permanment it only makes anyone work even harder to prove that you are an asset. This includes extra-curriculor activites after school. I am proud that he is doing so much for the school, and that the staff and kids love him. I understand that, I'd probably be doing the same stuff if I was teaching.

But there lies the problem. I'm not. Being a supply in a terrible school board (I'm in a different one then M) I am getting no work. In fact I haven't worked a day since April or May. I hate supplying but at the same time that is my only option right now, and it is decent money. My plan when I found out I was pregnant was to start looking for a part-time job at the end of August when we got back from Disney since I knew supply work wouldn't be too busy. Well little did I know that I would be showing as much as I would (I love the way I look, just didn't realize it would be so soon) Well there goes any hope for a part-time job... who would hire a pregnant women? I know it is illegal to discriminate but really can you blame them?

So in short I am left alone for the day (unless my mum comes to visit for a couple of hours). Oh did I mention I also have no friends here? And this town sucks so there is no community things I can get involved in....M is gone from 7:30am to 3:30ish and when he has the extra-curriculors he is not home till 4:30-5:00pm. During the day I try to keep busy but between feeling nauseaus for the first half of the day and house work there isn't too much to entertain me. On top of that M also is really busy with band stuff. Tonight for example he got home at 3:30 to leave at 5:30 and will not be back until 9:30... then he usually goes to bed around 10-10:30.... He also had a 3 hour band practice yesterday, and the odd ones on Tuesdays. Come November there will be even more practices since that is when the musical is.

I just feel abandoned all day. I know this is really lame to feel like it, but I can't help it.

I guess it is just really upsetting me now since I am starting to get some anxiety of what it will be like when Baby comes. I am soooooooo excited for baby to come don't get me wrong. But M will only get like 1-2 days off with baby and me (and this all depends on how long I labour for/what days because that might cut into the time he can take off) What is going to happen when he is at work? He will still have extra-curriculors, he will still have band, plus he has a course he HAS to take once a week for a few hours in the evening.... It's going to be the same thing except for a little life I am in charge of and will be alone with. During the night time I will take care of all of the baby's needs since I will be breastfeeding and the fact that M will have to have a good sleep so he can work in the mornings... I am so scared as to how will I handle this. I am lucky enough to have family that can come help, but then will I be a burden? I don't even want help... I hate asking for help... it should be something that M and I bond over...

I guess my main concern is: If I feel so alone right now, how am I going to feel in the same circumstance but healing from giving birth/not sleeping at night/having something solely rely on only me, because it will only be me around...

Sorry for such a lame posting... I'm just feeling really lame right now....