Its happening again...

I am doing the same thing I have been doing every month for over a year and a half.

I am starting to get excited.

You have no idea how hard I try to not even think about it. I try to block it out of my memory. But I can't help it. I know in just a matter of days I will know if this month was successful or not. Deep down I know it wasn't. So why can't I just accept that and move on? Why must I keep checking of signs of implantation or the littlest sign of pregnancy? It just makes it that much harder when AF does come. I just fall that much more.

But for now I am stuck on the positive side hoping with all hope that this time we caught it, this time it will stick...

Did you know that if we did conceive this month I would be due around Christmas? Approx Dec 29... This thought frightens me more than it makes me happy. This is the last month we can/have tried basically for a baby in 2009. Starting next cycle will will be looking for a child to be born in 2010.

This fact just breaks my heart. It just shows how long we have been trying since we started in 2007 for a child in 2008. The two year mark is coming closer with each month. I don't know if I can handle it if we meet that two year anniversary...

But for now I am holding on to a string of hope that this month will be our month... maybe all I needed was the HSG. Next month I start my clomid. I wish I could do it on my own so badly.

At least when we do get our baby, it will never doubt how badly we wanted him or her. Especially when they are grounded for making me wait so long...

Peace easy my friends.