You say goodbye, I say Hello

Well I don't know what happened this month. I feel like I got duped. I feel like I am the one to blame for this. A few days ago I had some spotting in the morning. I had no reason to expect it since I was roughly only 5 days past ovulation if I go by my usual 22 day O day. It was pinkish orange- also very strange. It never came back. Super strange! I am more and more sure it was implantation bleeding, it just fits into descriptions and has never happened before to me. I was feeling great about this month- I really really felt like this is it.

The next day I had my scheduled PAP test- I didn't want to go to it, I wanted to wait and see but I already re-scheduled this appointment once and I didn't have a PAP last year at all so I knew I had to. During the PAP she wasn't the most gentle thing in the world and said I was going to bleed that day but it was normal for PAP tests. I survived and was fine afterwards but she was right- I did spot a little.

The next day I was pretty much done spotting I could barely tell a difference. That night I went out with my dad feeling great. At supper we had fish and chips and though I was starving I felt a little nauseous eating the fish, but still ate everything on the plate. After supper we were in the car and out of no where I got a huge bloody nose. So weird! In the theatre I got a bit of a migraine but soon I had no head pain but felt like I was going to vomit within minutes. Luckily that feeling eventually left after an hour. All things were pointing to yes we did it!

Then yesterday morning with no warning AF came. It came 4 days early. Too much information warning: All day yesterday and today I keep passing huge clumps. I have never had so many and so large before. After looking it up online I see many people who have had miscarriages after a PAP... I think I might be one of those. I really really do. Maybe I should have waited until I was sure one way or another. I'll never know for sure, but at the same time I really feel as though I was.

I start my Clomid tomorrow. I am super excited to start it. I really feel as though this will give us our answer and results. It should fix the luteal phase problem which I think was part of the problem once again this month (only 8 days while it should be 12-14 on avg). Wish me luck for this month, pray for us this month. I would love for a Jan 2010 baby... it would just work out wonderful. I am going to try and stay realistic, but a lot more positive.

So as one part of me says goodbye to the little one another part says hello to the next to come.