Through all of our struggles of trying to conceive I always felt like an outsider looking in. I could see myself doing actions putting on a smile infront of family and friends, yet at the same time I knew that this wasn't really done out of instinct but acting in a sense. I felt so alone that no one understood what I was going through and I had no one to voice it to and no one who really would understand if I even started to attempt an explanation.
I was lost.
I was lost within myself.
I was lost within my circle of friends.
When I became pregnant I felt like a 'normal' person for a change. I think it was the first time in 2 years that I did. That I felt that I was capable of doing the same things of other 'normal' women.
In no way was I expecting to feel lost once more. But I am.
I am lost.
I don't expect everyone to understand what I am going through for obviously I was not even expecting to feel this way. I'm not even sure what I was expecting. I was expecting more of a support system around me. I was expecting more excitement. I was expecting that people wouldn't ignore me. I was expecting that people would realize that I am still me- just because there is a baby inside of me doesn't mean that I suddenly don't exist. My personality hasn't changed, my interests haven't changed, my daily life has not changed. The only thing that has changed so far is me physically.
So why am I losing my self-identity? If I am lucky enough to get people to actually converse with me these days it is always just about the baby. I appreciate concerns and the excitement but I am still me. Just little changes from "How are you?" to "How are you feeling?" have different conotations to them- one used to mean how am I doing specifically- now it is phrased in a way that they mean how is the baby doing... All conversations are based on baby- no one asks how my job life is- what is new in my life etc.
I like talking about baby- but in the end I'm still my own person. And now I am my own- very lonely person. It seems as though as soon as I announced this pregnancy it was an automatic message which apparently told friends that I don't need them anymore. I don't know how this happened since it is at this time in my life that I need them more than anything. I understand that being in different places in life play a difference, yet at the same time it has been proven that it shouldn't. I was lucky enough to have a really close friend that would come by all the time where we would maybe talk about baby for a few minutes then we would carry on with our own conversations about anything and everything- yet now that friend is 26 hours away by plane. I don't think I realized how much I need her in my life until this past weekend. Luckily she does email everyday just little ones about her day and it helps me feel like myself again just for that small instant in time.
This weekend when the whole family was down I played pool with my two brothers and M. It was the most fun I've had in a while since not only did I hang out with my brothers but I was treated just as I always was- the little sister getting a beating and joking around the whole time. I was me. For those couple of hours I was me- I was not someone who was carrying a baby around and had to talk about it the whole time. I was just me. It was refreshing.
It is not that I am not excited for this little baby- that would be the biggest under-statement of all time. I am psyched for it and I am sooo ready for it. I guess I am just surprised at how much I had to lose in the process of bringing a new life into the world. If people have already lost interest in me now just because there is a baby inside of me- how much more interest will they lose when the baby is out? Will I no longer be me? Will I just be an old friend who is a mother now?
I am scared about this new identity I am dealing with. I feel as though that I am accepting failures of friendship finally now- maybe I would have felt better if I recognized this failure earlier during the pregnancy instead of holding onto hope and making excuses in my head for such circumstances.
Maybe accepting things now, that somehow they did change, will help me try to yet again find a new identity. One where I am not always questioning what is wrong with me, why does no one care about me, what did I do, what can I do?
I should be not worrying about this kind of stuff considering I am in my last month of pregnancy- in the next 4 weeks I will have a child. I have so many other concerns and worries and so much to look forward to at the same time. I don't have the mental capacity anymore- I think that is why I am starting to use a mind colandar and sift through what is worth my worries and what isn't. Hopefully when I am left with what is important I will regain some of this identity that has been lost through the past 9 months.
Hopefully with my wonderful couldn't ask for anything more hubby, a very long awaited for baby I will find a new 'me'- one where I depend less on other people's views of who I am and one where I can accept that other people see me differently even though I haven't changed anything.
I guess in the end it is all in perspective isn't it?
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