Getting saved from the flood...

I would like to sincerly thank you for your comments, love, and support. I don't know why it was (or perhaps still is) so hard to talk about it. I guess I just view this process as me failing each and every month. I hate failure, I'm a perfectionist, I am independent, yet this whole trying to conceive business reminds me every single month that nothing in life is perfect, you have to be able to lean on others, you have to keep trying.

Thanks for being proud of me. I am proud of me. Yet at the same time, so ashamed, so lost. I am so lucky to have such supportive friends and husband. Oh M, I am so grateful to have such a love like ours. He is so supportive, sometimes I wish he wasn't as it just makes it that much harder to tell him every month "no babies this month" and see that tiny hint of disappointment before he says "that's okay, we'll try again next month". It breaks my heart when at night sometimes he will put his hand on my stomach and say "do you think there is a baby in there?" or "I feel good about this month". Sometimes I wonder if in a way he would be happier with another woman who would not take so long to give him his child. Of course it is just a passing thought, not something I really grapple with, I know there is more to our marriage than this, but it is hard to control where one's thoughts lead her.

I had a dream last night, well actually a few. In two of them I was pregnant with a set of twin girls who I named Sophia and Issabetta. In another dream I gave birth to a boy and a girl, Nicholas and Sophia. I love those dreams, for just in those minutes I feel like life is perfect. When I wake up and remember I have a smile on my face. It doesn't last long, soon the smile fades, reality hits.

I didn't tell anyone before about my struggles because I didn't think that I needed help. I try my best to keep the faith. God has given us so much, always at the right time. I think I need to trust Him a bit more than I am. He gave me M when I was ready, he allowed us both to get into the same Teacher's College with rediculous odds against us. Now we are both employed, again against rediculous odds. I was able to find a doctor that would take me in with just one phone call, which is getting unheard of around here. We just finally got benefits through M's job which started the exact same day as our Fertility appointment. With my job, I can choose what days I need off for any tests.

All signs are pointing to the right direction, that God is providing for us. There is no other possible reason for so many things falling into place so "perfectly". This reminds me of a joke I once heard. I am terrible at telling jokes so bare with me as I share it with you.

There once was a man who was caught in a flash flood.
The water was up to his ankles and a friend came to his door and told him to leave.
The man refused saying that "God will save me" and the friend left.
The water rose some more and the man was left standing on a table and someone came on a boat offering to take him to safety.
The man refused saying that "God will save me" and the man on the boat left.
Soon the water got so high the man was left to stay on top of his roof, and a man on a helicoptor came and told him to climb the rope.
The man refused still saying that "God will save me" and the helicoptor left.
Eventually the man did drown and when he got to Heaven he said, "Father, why did you not save me?"
God replied, "Who do you think sent your friend to your house, the boat, and the helicoptor?"

I think I finally reached the point where I truly understand this story, I waited for some sort of miracle just to happen long enough. God has provided us with all of these 'perfectly' timed coincidences almost which all lead to us having to ask for help for our baby. I know in time we will be 'saved' through someone that He sends to us. It is just a matter of by what means. I know He will save us from our flood, it is just a matter of time and trust.