Ignorance is not always bliss, but a step towards disappointment

I should have known.

If I was just honest with myself I would have been prepared.

Trying to write it off as if I was just stressing from my big presentation, yes, that is why I was snappy, especially to M yesterday. I was just stressed, aren't stressed people allowed to be snappy?

Then in the car ride home, I was really short with him. Then I was at peace with everything, almost laughable about how foolish I was.
I was picturing what I was going to do when we got home. M would make supper, and me (still unshowered due to being stranded at my parent's house) would have a bath! Yes- a bath! I haven't had one in ages, that would just sound wonderful.

Wait... what are these tears doing falling down my cheek? Why am I crying thinking about having a bath?

And that is when I realized I was not stressed about my presentation. I was PMS'ing. That realization just made me cry even more.

Sure enough I started to spot this morning- I could hardly tell- but I couldn't deny it, then in the afternoon there was no sign. I was hoping, maybe, just maybe, it was only implantation bleeding. Maybe we did get the egg- maybe we did become one of those couples that jokes how the first month with a specialist they become pregnany naturally- maybe this is really going to happen.

Nope. When I got back tonight it showed up again- light brown with a bit of pink now. Just a matter of time now before it is here fully.

I know in 10-12 days I'll be feeling better, almost refreshed for another round of trying, but I can't ignore reality like I try to do. I'm not going to be that special person that can have kids naturally. I am going to have to take something for it. I know before it even begins that when I do become pregnant, I will feel as though I am an imposter compared to other pregnant women. I will feel as though people will know I wasn't able to do it on my own just by a glance. This scares me.

Well when it officially starts tonight or tomorrow I have to call the fertility specialist to book my HSG test. I also have to go for another blood test on day 3. I am hoping it won't be Sunday since I will then have to drive to the lab at the specialist, compared to my 2 minute drive downtown during the weekdays.

I should be used to the feeling of its all over. I should be used to the same disappointment again and again. This is my first day of month nineteen of trying. That makes Five hundred and fifty-six days of trying, of praying, of wishing on the first star I see of the night, of 'what ifs', of hopes, of dissapointment.

After all of this time, why am I in tears once again? Why do I feel like a failure once again? Why does this hurt so much? I just don't know how much longer I can go on with this- yet I know it will never stop until it happens. I feel so broken down, I feel so disposible as a woman. I feel... no... I am, empty inside.

I suppose this month is hitting me so hard since it was my last chance and a natural pregnancy. My HSG will be within the next 14-15 days and they should be able to tell me if they find anything right away. After that, to me anyways, I will be dependent on 'other means' for a baby.

My fear as a child growing up was that this would happen. Yet as a child I always attempted to ignore it, saying that there is no proof. This month, my childhood fear will have come true and there is nothing I can do about it.

Hold me. I'm so scared.