Where it all began...

I always knew it wouldn't be easy. I had no reason to really think so, but I knew. Growing up and playing with dolls who were as close to the real thing as a real life baby, we were all secretly practicing at a young age on how to be a mother. After all the years of playing with cabbage patch dolls, and babysitting, it was time to grow up and do it for real.

Our journey began on the wedding night, as most couples it tends to sound like, in August 2007. Eventhough I knew it on average takes 12 months for most couples I was hoping we would be 'special'. November of 2007 I felt like maybe all of my apprehensions of difficulty were wrong, for I was sure I was pregnant. My breasts were heavy and tingly, and I felt twinges and aches where I did not know it was possible to feel them. I just knew. Infact, it was all planned out on how I was going to tell M, how happy he would be, how he would pick me up of the ground and swing me around in his arms, then place his hand on my belly. I also came up with ways to tell our families and friends when we were home for Christmas. It was just perfect. But, it was shortlived, the day before I was to take a test to confirm it, I started bleeding. I was heartborken. At first I just tried to convince myself I never really was pregnant, but deep down I knew I was only fooling myself, I was. The more time passes the more positive I am that I was. These feelings never existed before that month, and never again after. I know what I lost that month, and a lot of my innocense and happiness was lost with it.

Now here we are 16 months after, and still nothing. I finally got enough courage to admit I needed help, we needed help. The day I made my first doctor's appointment was so hard. "Reason for the appointment?" I paused... I hesitated... I wanted to hang up... "uhh conception problems" I got the date 26 January, I said thanks, I took a deep breath and cried. I was still crying when M got home, uncontrollably shaking and crying, something had changed in me, it was the process of acceptance of who I was, and what I was going to have to go through. At the appointment itself I felt strong, no one knew about it except M, there was no pressure to tell anyone what I was doing, or what the doctor said. My doctor seemed to be taking me seriously (I was so scared she would tell me I was too young to have problems) and immediately sent a referral to a fertility specialist. I cried some more once I got home. I am not sure if they were tears of sadness, fear, the unknown, or maybe it was due to the thought that now our dreams of having a little one in our lives were finally starting to come true.

I had my first appointment with the fertility specialist yesterday. It just felt right. Usually in waiting rooms you hope no one looks at you as you can tell they are trying to figure out what is wrong with you. This place was different. You could look at the person in the eye as if saying "I know how you feel, and we will both be okay" The doctor gave us many test forms to do for this month. M has the 'man' test to do this month, I myself, have 2 blood tests (one on day 24 and one on day 3 of my cycle). I also am getting a thing called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG test). Basically they put dye in me so it fills the uterus/tubes etc and then they look to see if there is any blockage or other abnormalities. We should get some answers on 30 March. I hope we get some, I don't know what I will do if we don't. It's just so much to take in, but I know the end result will be worth it, I am lucky to have such a great husband to support and do whatever it takes, I'm not sure how many would be willing to.

So there you are, you are officially part of my hidden world. My world where I try to hide all of my fears, my worries, my tears, oh my numourous tears, and my failures. Yet in this world, you may also see a whole new side to me for this world is also made of a whole new sense of courage, of strength, of who I am and what I am made of, and what I can accomplish.

Thanks for being a part of this world. Thanks for being you.