Get it Out/Keep it In

I am two days shy of being full-term- I am reaching a mental breaking point today...

Get it Out

- I haven't slept a whole night in over 4 months
- I have something that is 19 inches and over 6 pounds in an area that is the size of a watermelon
- I have had a cold and sinus infections for 4 weeks now that won't go away since I can't take anything
- My rib feels as though it is broken or permanmently bruised for life
- My crotch feels as though I have been riding a bike for 10 hours
- I can't get up by myself anymore
- I am a hormonal mess
- I want to meet his bugger
- I want to have it before my anxiety takes over about labour
- I would love to hand over my uterus to M sometimes but since I can't I would rather just pass him the baby
- I miss having energy
- I miss my old body
- I miss feeling sexy
- I am sick of people asking me when it will come or being surprised it hasn't come yet or telling me when I am allowed and not allowed to have it
- I am sick of feeling ignored (see previous posts)


Keep it In

- I am scared to start the new chapter of being parents
- I feel as though I can protect it better from the inside than out
- I don't think I can handle all the 'advice' when it comes out as it is already taking a toll on me
- I wish it could just be M and I and our baby instead of knowing as soon as baby is out we will get bombarded with family
- I don't want to share the baby
- I love how there are moments baby and I play and no one else knows about it
- Every time I feel movement I fall in love that much more
- I am doing the most important job I've ever done and I feel as though I am doing pretty good with it
- I am enjoying just being with M and I worry that we won't get alone time for a lonnnnng time
- I love my new body- stretch marks and all
- What if this is the only time I am able to be pregnant- and its all done now?
- What if I forget what it feels like to be pregnant?
- What if something goes wrong during labour?
- We tried too hard to get the baby in there I am sad that it is almost time for it to come out...

I don't know where I am at mentally as in if I want this baby in or out. I know in the end it isn't up to me but to the baby to decide. I wish I just had some inkling as to when it will happen be it today or 4 weeks from now... Just living on the edge like this and always wondering 'when' takes a toll on the mind- I feel as though I can't relax anymore... I love being pregnant yet I want to meet this little child that has already changed our lives so much... if only there was someway I could have the best of both worlds...